INFIDELITY, CHEATING, CUCKOLDRY, DUPLICITY….

We all know what infidelity is, or do we? Infidelity within an exclusive relationship is drop dead personal and traumatic, to everyone that is involved. According to Ester Perel; infidelity hasn’t really taken a standard and universal meaning due to the onset of the digital era. Presumably we can not define infidelity in a traditional manner, since males were given somewhat a license to cheat through an organized system called polygamy, suffice it is to say there relationships weren’t exclusive.

Needless it is to say that cheating is interpreted as a sign of a bad relationship or of something lacking in ones partner. However according to Ester Perel’s experience with numerous couples, even happy couples do cheat. So why do we cheat, is it the devils work? Is it? People stray not because they want to find another person in marriage but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves. “Oh, I was so happy with Dick, we’d just stay inside …” I never felt so alive with Harry”. these are the versions people want to revisit. It isn’t so much that they want to leave the person that they are with but the person that they themselves have become. So yes, I’m not condoning cheating but neither I’m I going to condemn it.

So at the heart of it all, what is infidelity?

Is it having an affair, extramarital relationships, cheating, sexual intercourse, oral sex, kissing, fondling, emotional connections that are beyond friendships, watching porn, internet relationships, or is the dead beat “having a romantic relationship which results to a sense of relational betrayal?”

To be precise, its definition really lies in its nature, is it emotional infidelity; this is basically the behavior one partner engages in which fosters emotional or romantic intimacy not necessarily sex but the act in itself is with someone else other than your partner. It is somewhat like an affair, in the sense that it is organized around a secret, the structure of this betrayal has secrecy at its core. This “affair” ultimately leads to a sexual aura, so to say an alchemy. This state leaves one person full of sexual fantasies and fetishes that require some deep emotional involvement. But people do brush this off to mean nothing at all as no sex is experienced first hand. What they fail to understand is that betrayal isn’t in sex itself , its not the bodily experiences, its much more of the energy than the performance. So even when you try to make something mean nothing, it means a lot.

Sexual infidelity on the other hand is straight up fucking another person other than the person you are committed to.

So now you know that love isn’t much of an emotion but more of a brain system (Helen Fisher) one of the three is related to mating and reproduction, and the other two explain why human beings are capable of infidelity as much as we so value love highly. That goes to explain why happy couples also cheat. This isn’t just a hear-say propaganda type of shit but its factual;

Women cheat as much as men do. It’s not gender specific but actually a different experience for each individual. Women cheat out of loneliness and hunger for intimacy. Men cheat out of boredom and fear for intimacy.

a) Pair bonding is a hallmark of humanity. In simple terms 80% of human beings will eventually marry.

b) Brain architecture may lead to infidelity. The three brain systems aforementioned elaborate this,

  • The sex drive. This system has evolved to motivate individuals to seek copulation with any species of the opposite gender that they deem fit. This is mostly observed in females who have hormonal imbalances once every month. If you are a woman and you’ve had your periods then, maybe once too many times you’ve been possessed by that whore-rific demon and anything goes, naah mean! So now you get it, you don’t have a problem its just your brain messing with you, tell it to stop.
  • Romantic love. this has evolved to motivate individuals to focus their mating energy on specific partners , thereby conserving courtship time and metabolic energy.
  • Partner attachment. This basically explains the whole issue of parents who are together just because of their kids. this system motivates partners to stay together long enough to rare an offspring.

c) Mate poaching is currently a trend. This is basically trying to woo an individual from a committed relationship in order to begin a relationship with them instead.

d) Infidelity doesn’t necessarily signal an unhappy relationship. You’ve seen the “three systems” and how our own biology can mess us up into endless philandering, even though your relationship is flawless. In fact there are myriads of research that portray infidelity more as a biological process, and sooner or later, they(scientists) might name a gene that correlates to infidelity. I’m not for this though..”why did you cheat?..I have the gene.”

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In a nutshell, as at this very moment, someone is cheating or being cheated on, or thinking about having an affair, or offering advice to someone who is in the aftermath of one, or being the third angle completing the triangle as a secret lover. Cheating brews more gossip and fascination than the relationship itself, so voracious that in the digital age cheating is just death by a thousand cuts. So much so that it is the only sin that gets two commandments in the Bible, one for doing it and one just for thinking about it. What often gets lost in the discussion of infidelity is attention to emotional infidelity and the ugly ways in which it can plant seeds of doubt and dismantle a relationship to the point of campus students killing themselves and their partners, to the point of divorce, to the point of one changing their sexual preferences because of their displeasure and dislike for the opposite sex.

So whats the way forward if you’ve been cheated on, if you’ve cheated on someone, if you plan on cheating on someone, if you know someone is cheating on you but you love them, if you are in the wake of a heartbreak, whats next?

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We can do better, we can learn to love again.

Philosophers have really had endless arguments over the past millennia over the true meaning of love. And yes there have been many meanings and definition with every experience that each share. But at a glance, history our best Author, gives us the best rather oldest definition; a connection to something greater than ourselves. its the oldest feeling in the world, yet every time you fall in love it somehow feels like something new.

Is love the misguided need to have you beside me most of the time? Is love this safety I feel in our silences ? Is it this belonging, this completeness” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Half of a Yellow Sun.

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I was madly and irrevocably in love with her and i couldn’t even explain everemotion ingrained in me, maybe I was doing it all wrong, so I asked her what love is, and without hesitation she said “Love is when a person introduces you to yourself for the first time, I love you without knowing how or when or from where. I love you straight forwardly without complexities or pride, so I love you because I know no other way than this, where I does not exist; nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep” Well, our relationship ended but in her word play I found the definition of love, truly.

What is love after all,

Meaningless, it isn’t love anymore, these days you mention the word love and in itself you feel dullness and self loathing, all that is left of love is, one syllable, two vowels, just four letters. Love has lost its spark, it has become so disposable, as a fuck you for breakfast, its a ready to go option on your smartphone, preprogrammed with “I”ll talk to you later”and “See you soon” what cheese is to pizza, “love”is to a conversation; a cheap trick.

These days love(infatuation) is too airborne, everyone is falling in and out of love – its just lust mixed with just enough care( 5.00 am calls, getting drunk together, just to name a few) and concern. Sex is entirely something “huge”, though not mutually exclusive to ones partner by any means. Love has entirely taken a different mask.

On good days, it is a whatsapp status update, or that facebook post that will make her/him laugh and giggle from the inside, it is the call between supper and nap-time because they’ve been wanting to hear your voice.

On bad days, it is ghosting on your partner because you feel they will be better without you, you are just adding to their burden. Saying “I’m fine””its okay” for the hundredth time in a week but you cant look them in the eyes, you act strong but once too many times you sneak away for a cry. This is the gifted plane ticket to spending a week with someone who is close by and you think will always be there with you no matter what.

Maybe this is why love has lost its spark; real love defies description.

Heartbreak!!!

“All men are dogs” y’all familiar with this words from a bitter heartbroken female, “women are snakes”and this too, from men, though it defeats me, if they’re men they should handle that heartbreak in a manly way, instead of acting like dogs, barking insults in the name of heart ache.

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Most relationships these days start up on the wrong foot. People hook up easily without taking time to study their meals. And they end up eating their meal and staying hungry after that and go looking in the trash cans. Study the person you want to be in a relationship with. To be precise a snake and a human being have pretty distinctive features, open your eyes. A dog barks and bites, and I think women love dogs too. Base your relationship on love. We’ve seen it all over the world these days, our relationship, will get old, we’ll cheat, we’ll both get hurt. We only see bad blood and mistakes and songs about heartbreaks when we say the word rel;relationship. C’mon we can do better. this issue of heartbreaks is a broken record that is really selling.

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“You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right, love is eternal.”

Pick the right mate and be the right mate. Love is decision, its not about “you make me feel good” but about “I am committed to you because I respect you and admire you. You will be a great parent, friend and partner.” Love is not about sharing a generic “I  love you” accompanied by heart emojis rather “Thank you”and  “I’m sorry” which most couples shove under the bridge. The only difference between love and infatuation is wastage of time and creation of time. Infatuation is when you think he is sexy as Nick Mutuma, as smart as James Mwangi, funny as MCA Tricky and noble as Uhuru Kenyatta. Love is when he is sexy as MCA Tricky, smart as Nick Mutuma, funny as James Mwangi and nothing close to Uhuru Kenyatta, but you’ll keep him anyway.

So before you fall into a bottomless pit of good dick and mad stupid dogs, before you trap yourself in a snake pit because of some nice nunu, don’t fool yourself lovely. There will always be scars reminding you to forget the pain but remember the hurt.

Love easily.

All said and done, you can not control other people. You can never ask for love because its not a favor, its something that is given without asking. Love yourself first, you can never feed the hungry if you have no food, you can not shelter the homeless if you have no home, you cannot give money if you have none yourself, you can never pour from an empty cup. People who don’t love themselves can only adore others, because adoration is making other big and oneself small. They can desire others because desire comes out of a sense of inner incompleteness, which demands to be filled. But they cannot love others because love is an affirmation of the living growing being in all of us. If you don’t have it you cant give it. Love doesn’t hurt, pain does. The pain of some miscalculated promises and false confidence. So forgive yourself be patient, but in this quest don’t be preoccupied with yourself to the point that when you look in your mind you only see mirrors , you’ll only be aware of yourself and your own needs and this will definitely breed more pain and hurt. Replace the mirrors with windows, so you can discover the myriad opportunities outside, for its is in loving that we unfold, mature and reach our potential.